Sabtu, 21 September 2013

Nothing is too sudden when the time comes for everything,

...inspired by a true friend's memory...





Day 1

It was my first day stepping my leg in the UOW. I felt everything was foreign to me. The people I was watching, the trees, the wild animals, and the winter... everything did not warmly welcome my arival in this “ gardenic” campus. Yet,  I was happy...and I felt the joy of being in a completely unfamiliar spot.

Thanks god...bless in diguise...I saw a young lady, wearing hijab (head cover), sitting while seriously engaging with her phone. Was she meditating or reading? I asked my self.
As I needed to get rid of my strange feeling about that new place, I made myself disturb her and asked if she could give me a hand with my problems. Unexpectedly, she did not turn let me down, instead, she became really helpful  guide for me although it was just less than minutes.  She was my first warm welcome in the strange world.
I should thank her one day, I promised to myself. But when and where the moment would come?

Day 2...
I had quite a bit long chat with her, about her study and everything. We share thoughts, but I dominated a lot. I hate my self in this part. However, she’s was really a great listener.  No matter how unintelligent my words were, she would pay her deepest attention. She listened with affection. That was another time when I found my voice valuable and respected. Speaking from the very bottom of my heart, I needed more time to be with such a personality.

Day 3...weeks after
There she is... She was just right in front of my eyes...Unbelievable... That was too beautiul to be true.  My eyes caught a warm and sweet smile. It was enchanting moment to see her again. On purpose, I noticed her eyes which did smile as well. But, none would see those smiling eyes as technology “glasses” hid them. I hate technology for this reason.  No lenghty talks at that moment. Yet, she would see me on the following day. She kept her promise. It showed me more about her inner beauty, that was keeping her words.

Day 4...
Two cups of hot chocolates accompanied our chat. It was really serious talk. Everything became the topic of our conversation. At the moment, she, again showed her hidden beauty. Perhaps, it was only me who was aware of that. Or maybe some body else, like his boy friend or who else?. I have no idea.

At that cafe, I found they joy, happiness of being with her. Yet....I felt, something very familiar starting te blossom in me. It just felt beautiful but I didnt want to assume that I liked everything she was. I didn’t want to come to such a conclusion that suddenly.

Days after....
Since that meeting, I was trying to contemplate, because I needed to clarify what actually happened to me when I was with her. I did meditating for days. Yet, the more I tried to find the clarity, the same feeling even became obvious. ..after those contemplation, I was aware that I need her more than I want to talk to her about ideas and thoughts. .

One night on the Facebook
I was online, chatting on FB with the other group members. Then.. something caught my eyes. I saw her name on my FB page asking for friendship. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was her FB.
Afterwards, I confirmed her friendship request. My curiosity then led me to surf on her FB. I found many interesting things on it, pictures, words and others. I didn’t realise that we both like to have beaches as our FB wallpaper. It was not coincidence. It just happened the way it was. Was it a sign of something great might happened? I was expecting that.
Thanks God.. she was also online. I thought I could have a chat with her.

Dafi        : Asslamu'alaikum Dear
Nada     : Wsalam! How’s everything going? I am  good
Dafi        : I cant forget the moment when i was with you. It was touchy, I just miss it.
Nada     : Heheh. Wanna meet again? It was nice.
Dafi        : Yes, I do hope to see you... but don't know what to say if i have to jumpa nada
  again...a bit nervous to be honest.
Nada     : Haha. But I don’t think you need to think of anything everything before hand. Things
                   will roll naturally.
Dafi        : That’s true, maybe it was only my feeling...You know when "certain feeling" fills your heart,   then your logic will just get nervous.
Nada, have I been saying something emotionally inaprpropriate to you?
Nada     : *sigh* i dont know, perhaps. Still trying to make out your words.
Dafi        : There is a thing which is more complicated to make out than logical words, that is a
  set of sentence representing someone's heart
Nada     :  And that set of sentences are...?
Dafi        : : I thing I feel strange vibration when talking with you. It was just different, unlike the other   feeling when i talked to the other girls. It isnt that easy to say...but I know what it is.
Nada     :  I'm sorry, but i feel it more in a platonic kind of way.
Dafi        :  I 've never expected that you would use such plato's phyloshophical words.
Nada     :  It just means that i am more interested in talking about things thoughts and ideas
 with you, as a friend.
Dafi        : I've already expected these sentences to come across from you. Every feeling is
special, the specialty needs to be tested or clarified. And the platonic feeling you experience is just like what I wish to happen when talking with you...although there is a possibility that another type of feeling might occur.
Nada     :  So what happens now?
Dafi        :  You've decided (clarified) already to minimize or reduce the possibility or the other feeling. Then what happens now is that we are friends. (deeeeeep sigh)
Nada     : I am really sorry Dafi. Its just too sudden.
Dafi        : I know, everything takes time...but there is always exception excluding this...
 uhmmm...have I been forcing your thought and emotion to uncomfortable state? I am
 really sorry for that, I never meant to..Things just roll naturally
Nada     “ A bit. I've been trying to figure out the best way to reply.
Dafi        : I know, it is not that easy to reply in " not a hurting way". No one seems to be
succesful...but you made a great success in responding to my "silly sudden words"
Nada     :   It’s not silly.
Dafi        : If it was not silly, would it be categorized "fast stupidity"
Nada     : It’s not stupid either.Just sudden. Anyway, lets not be awkward to each
                other anymore.
Dafi        :  I understand that when " something" get mattured to sudden, the quality might not be  good. It would be easy to decay...
 uhmmm, I accept your offer to stay normal... Let's talk about your name (Nada means
hope)
Nada     : And?
Dafi        :  I am lost..speechless...
Nada     :  Why?
Dafi        :  There is an eletric sock comes from you....sorry...just kidding
Nada     :  It's late. Can we talk another time?
Dafi        :  Take a rest...I hope we could talk another time...Have a nice dream.


Two days after...
I had a trip to Nan Tien Temple, one of a very sacred places for budhisme believers. I booked for a seat from the university as it would be the last tour to the temple. I was in rush from my house, not wanting to miss the tour. I got to the university right on time and registered my name. I was lucky and  but not that happy. To be honest, my feeling wasn’t at its best at that time. I didn’t really feel the way I used to be.

However, something stopped me from thinking about my own feeling. It was very akward, indeed. She suddenly appeared before my eyes and asked me if I would go for the tour as well. What a coincidence!
That was not coincidence any more, as it wasn’t the first time I met her  that way. It seemed that what I expected to happen always come true. Everytime I felt like wanting to see her, she was just there a few minutes after. It was just too romantic to be true. Yet, I believe there was hidden meaning beyond such happenings. Whatever it was, it is worth experiencing. 

                     At Nan Tien Temple
Every tour member seemed to be amazed at the temple. Almost none of  the temple side was out of their camera capture. I liked the place as well. Yet, I didn’t really feel the joy of the tour. I missed something.  Although I took photos of the building, statues, and any other things which belong to the temple, I still felt uneasy to enjoy the tour.
She maintained distance from me, although I was trying to get closed to her. She preferred being her “flocks” and that even prevented me from tasting the joy of the temple offered. Then, I sent her a message which she didn’t reply.  “I wish I could talk to you. I am just not confident”.
Things just become more akward in me, then  I decided to meditate for a few minutes to put  my self together, while letting the other tour members, including her, had their lunch time in the temple dining hall. My hunger was replaced and my starve was filled with uncertain feeling. I just wanted to end the tour quickly, wanna get rid of such imprisoning beautiful place.

This night
When I was lying on my bed, trying to forget all which had happened in that morning tour, I found a message from her. It was weird. What took her so long to respond such a message? I found no answer.
She said “ I am sorry for not talking properly to you. It just felt akward”
Not wanting to miss the momentum, I replied her with hundred of words, which still gained no response till this story was written.
I said“ True, I did feel the same thing. I feel really sorry to put you in such an inconvinient feeling. I should haven’t talked to you about my feeling. But I feel that ...in love to u..”
Then I sent another message “ Oh my God ( Ya Allah), please forgive me for the second mistake I made. I just can’t help keeping my own feeling hidden. I will not regret that she turns me down. But I will do regret for not telling the truth to her. Nothing is too sudden as your mercy, Allah, has created such a beautiful feeling in me less than a second”.
Not wanting to be more upset for not telling her the truth, I just kept pouring my feeling to her via messages. Then I said again “ Nada, after this..will there be another time to chat again?. Certainly, there is no way back to the moment where thoughts and ideas were smoothly flowing from you and me. But I believe everything should get better and there are lessons to learn from this situation.” I then ended my message by asking her to respond mine no matter when she feels at best to do so “ Please reply!, don’t let my words go nowhere...”

A few minutes after...
Cling...the sound of my FB...she online...
It told her that I had a piece of writing about our story... yet, she was just to busy to reply my FB. Instead, she asked to drop the file in her FB message. I did it, but unfortunately, I didn’t copy the refined story. So this is the furnished version. I need to listen to her own version if she cares.

A day after...
I was just about to lay on my bed, when suddenly, I noticed that there was a message from her. I quickly looked at what she wrote and tried to read every word of hers.
“So, here it is. First, I am sorry I couldn't reply your messages because I was busy attending some matters. I believed I would have to stomach all of it first before jumping into any conclusions or actions. Such is my nature, to take everything quietly inside and maul it over.
Now, as to yesterday's event. I wasn't aware of your attending the same tour as I did, and so, seeing your presence, I was not ready for any sort of confrontation. Therefore, taken aback, I sought refuge in my friends. It was not that I did not want to talk to you, but rather that the circumstances of our relation (or perceived relation, that is) towards each other have changed, that it tore in a rather tumultuous position. Simply put, I was uncomfortable.
Now, to the heart of the problem. I really appreciate your essay, detailing each of our single meeting in such earnest and honesty. I appreciate your gratitude towards me; it was simply a gesture of goodwill (by God, through me, if we were to see it another way). Your words, as ever, astound me, as they emanate from the sincerity of the heart, with a certain naivety, that I gather only those with a pure heart (and closeness to God) would gain insight into. That was my first impression, and subsequently the other two.
So imagine my reaction when you suddenly come forward with your confession. It was first, unexpected. Second, I do not feel the same way; my impression/interpretation of the same meeting does not coincide with yours. Thirdly; it negated everything that happened before, because it made me wonder whether our conversation merely was to impress, or did it came from that which i described above. Fourth, and I hope this would be clear enough, I am already commited to someone else.
As such, I cannot see a good ending for all this. If this (the possibility of love, or anything related) is what you are trying to pursue, then I cannot consent to it. Nor do I think we can be friends. I am thus extremely sorry for the position I have put you in, or the gestures/speeches/actions that I have made that have led to this. It is my fault, ultimately.
This is my reply, and I hope you receive this well.”

After having  a deep breath, I replied her message directly, without having any intension to get another response from her although I know that she was also online.

“I am really happy to have a clear ending as leaving feeling in such unclearness will lead to, even, more desperate than being softly turned down. However, all the previous conversation wasn't meant to impress any one, neither you. It was the real me. When I wanted to talk about the truth, I will just let the words out of my mouth.
Knowing that you've been in a relation with someone is also a great thing for me to reposition and fix my own feeling and thoughts. I can see clearly the positive ending of this, no matter how difficult it was to go through feeling negotiation among us. It is just like a ship wanting to find the right port to stop. There is always a best port for every ship.
One other thing that I am impressed with you is your response which is totally based on expressing yourself honestly. I do appreciate such a way of deed. This, has put me in an easier way as the only thing left to do is to put my self together.
It's great to see that it's my fault, perhaps yours as well, but it is much wiser to view all that happened to us as invaluable life lesson. Therefore, there is nothing which can't stop me from not forgiving you and from saying my deep sorry, but there shouldn't be anything that makes me forget your everything. It was just both sweet and bitter memory which ends in a " great ending".
Have a good life.”

Having written all my best words, I just turned off my FB and talked to my own heart that what was happening was the reality. Expectation or hope or whatever sweet thing I want should not always happen to me. Yet, I believe that if I don’t get what I want, God will definitely give me what I truly need, something or someone that has been created to be part of my life.

The end




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